There is nothing to look forward to

Now that I have gotten the news that I won’t be going to Imperial because of my scholarship application, I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life. For the past couple of months, my mind has been nothing but the prospects of going to London, of studying in one of the greatest cities on Earth. The exposure, the experience is invaluable and as I have mentioned, the signs were all there for me to embark on this wonderful trip and onto my next phase in life.

But it all came crashing down when my scholarship application was turned down. Now everything I see is black and white. Dreary. Desolate. My life just did a 360 degree U-turn and now I am back to square one. I don’t even know where to begin. I am not prepared to handle the alternative, should the alternative happen, because I never thought that it would happen in the first place. And now that it did happened, I have no choice but to face it and to face it squarely.

I have one more week left before I ORD. After disrupting my NS to continue my studies in NTU, I am back, serving my remaining 45 days. Now I have just 5 days left before I officially ORD. At least that is something I look forward to, something I can at least close the chapter in my life and put it aside once and for all. I am grateful though to be given this chance to come back and serve, because I have made lots of new friends along the way, no matter how short I have left to serve. I am grateful of meeting new and interesting bunch of people from all walks of life and it has again given me a fresh perspective in life. I will definitely be a little sad leaving the force, as I would have to face the fact that I am also leaving them behind.

But it is after ORDing that I should be worried about. Now that my plans in life have gone astray, the path I took, I am now lost. I need to find my way back to finding life meaningful once more. Finding happiness, finding the motivation to do things that would make me happy. First and foremost, a job, now that I am a graduate. Do a little bit of soul searching along the way, but on top of the agenda, a job. And I cannot be trivial about it.

I think when I am up to the task, when I have gotten over the entire scholarship saga, I would need to come up with a plan of attack. A plan to land a good job. A plan and motivation to try and try and try again, until I get a decent job to get me going in the coming months and perhaps years. I am going all out to do it. I will have to be diligent, hardworking, smart about it. A yes-can-do, never-give-up attitude. Yes, doors will be closed shut in front of your face. I need to be prepared to get the worst out of people, need to face the fact that doors will slam shut in front of me, and yet I will still continue finding a job till I get it. That is what I plan to do once I get back on my feet and I feel 100% again.

Right now, I just need to focus on my ORD and NS. Next, I will probably take a short break, do a little soul searching. Maybe clean my room and prep for a battle that is to come ahead. Prepping properly would be a wise decision so that I can find the job that I want.