Year end reflection and New Year’s Resolution

I cant believe that another year has passed by in a flash. I have been so busy in the second half the year that everything seems a blur. I feel like its only yesterday that I just ended my last semester, going on a vacation to Turkey, going through FOC and then starting a new semester all over again.

And now, its about to end. Another year, another semester. It has been a really rough year for me, but not in a bad way. Within a span of 1 year, I have been through a lot emotionally and through that process, I think I have grown a lot more mature. I have seen alot, done alot of new things, things that i would never have imagine i would do and experienced. It has been a fulfilling year for me and the best yet so far.

Just to digress abit, have you every looked back in life and feel a pang of guilt when you made a bad decision, or a decision that would ultimately lead you down a road that is less desirable? And that if you had made a different decision, you know 100% that you would have led a better life instead? Knowing the two outcomes based on a simple, single personal decision that you made really wrecked me to the core. Looking back with all those guilt, I have yet to comprehend why I had turn down to a path that is less desirable. For a long time my heart ache and yearned for the better life if only i was more wise in making the right decision back then.

The reason why 2010 has been special for me is that I have reconciled with my tumultuous past and perhaps I am slowly, but surely walking down the path that i desire. Yes, it has been a long detour, but I am certain that I would arrive at my original path down the future, the future I desire. And maybe who knows, along the way during the detour, you get to see a lot more things in life and you would never have probably seen. The life lessons that you learn along the way, while time consuming, may have prepared you for the challenges ahead. I should start thinking of the benefits that brought me to this stage in life, learning things along the way and at the end of it, applying those things and as a result getting back to who I meant to be. I am very grateful for what life has given me this year. While the pain of living with the consequences are constantly there, but it is a vivid reminder of who I once was and who I do not wish to become, spurring to change myself for the better. I have not completed the transformation, as these changes are never ending, but nonetheless, i know that i am on the right track.

With this change in me taking place in 2010, I have also come to realize that my aspirations, goals, dreams of the future are also slowly changing. Im now seeing things in a new light and as such, there is an urgent need to re-prioritise my goals and dreams for myself. Things that would make me happy now suddenly arent anymore. I hope that I would find time to reflect deeply into what truly makes me happy now. Is it spending more time with friends and family, making new friends, getting straight As for exams and maintaining GPA of 4.0? It may seem trivial, but these are my goals nonetheless that I have set out to achieve. As such, I need to see which of these goals and dreams would truly make me happy.

I made so many friends this year that i could ever made in 10 years. This is a testament as to how much I have changed. How much confidence I have gained and how sensitive i have become to other people’s feelings. Im not there yet. There are still fears that is holding me back and it is a constant battle that i have to deal with. Though i never really talk about this to my friends, i still feel that i should not bother them with my own personal problems and struggles. Im pretty sure that i could figure it out all by myself. To those who read this, thank you for understanding my predicament. But fret not that I am much better off then I was last year.

This life changing journey is not something that i walk alone. Along the way numerous friends have made the journey with me and helped me grow and achieved happiness. There are so many that i want to name, but i feel that it is inappropriate. But understand this, you guys out there are the people that i cherish the most and the ones that holds a special place in my heart. With that being said, I would probably never be able to say thanks or show my gratitude to you directly (they would think im weird) but know this: The friends that i spend time the most, had the most wonderful conversations with, had my utmost respect and consideration are those that helped me made this journey. I am truly and sincerely grateful for what you have done for me. You may never realize the impact that you made, but I will never forget that impact. Thank you all.