Simply exhausted. I might not have the longest stamina, but I am simply exhausted on every level, spiritually, psychologically, physically, mentally.
Day in day out its the same thing, the same routine, the same crap I have to go through. Sometimes I just don’t know how to manage all those things. It seems that I have lots to learn when it comes to time management and that I sometimes lack the discipline to follow things through till the end. At the begining of the semester I had only one mission statement, and that is not to cut corners and take shortcuts.
I think I have taken too many shortcuts. It sometimes very difficult to keep your energy level high enough to devote 100% to everything. Personal, school, family time. My mind is in chaos, I feel unsettled all the time. I’m unfocused, drained, losing my steam at a rapid rate. I just dont know how to get back onto the right track and pull things together.
There is no longer any pause button in my life. I am being swept away. I have no control in my life. I feel so numb so indifferent to the things that matter. I am no longer able to find solace, peace and joy to the small things in life that matter. Sometimes I no longer feel at ease with myself when I’m alone. But I am not alone, its a crucial time im in right now. Im sure lots of my peers around me are also feeling the pinch. But i sometimes envy how they can put pull things together and do it so well. Sometimes i see them, their faces, and they look just fine as if nothing worse could ever happen around them. But sometimes i wonder; are these their real faces, or is it just a facade, a front to hide everything from everyone.
As sit here, looking around, looking at my peers and classmates studying like I am doing right now, I can take comfort from the fact that they are also battling they own internal struggles, their own battle, they own war from within. I am not alone. But we dont talk much about it. And while I wish them the best in everything that they do, I just hope that I could just talk to someone, share with someone, the struggle I am going through, and perhaps we could both share the burden, and take comfort from the fact that we are in this together.
This “war” of attrition is hitting me hard. There are many thing that i cannot control, the im losing control of the things that I can.