This past week, the first week of the school term has been a very difficult transition for me to undergo. Alot of things has changed and therefore adaptation must take place again. Its hard.
On the first day of school, we were transfered to our new class, not that bad, a change of timetables, which i find it undesirable and tough for me to adhere to. Band concert is just around the corner, as well as syf. Its putting too much pressure on me to handle. Furthermore, i have MT O Level Oral and Listening Comprehension to do this week. Ill talk about the oral later on, which i just did today and did badly!
Its been a bad week for me personally. Rough road for me to take and often in solitude. Remedials, on and on and the new program, group study program everyday till 4.00pm in the afternoon, big events like concerts that i have to arrange and prepare numerous stuff, syf, which sets my teeth gritting to the very core. Eveyday has been band band band, remedials, remedials and not forgetting the newly formed alumni band. I have no objection of the newly formed alumni band but its just that im afraid to join. With pioneers and seniors coming back, some of which i have not seen them in my life will be joining the alumni band. I have heard lots of menacing stories about their fierceness and strictness when they were ruling the band. Whats more, with ex band major and drum major coming back, how will they see me like? What is their impression of me on them? I doubt that its gonna be good and judging by their standard of playing, i dunno where to hide my face. Its like im removed from my comfort zone everytime i think about the alumni. Personally, i feel very afraid. Ive not confide my feeling to anyone, of fear of something else, but deep in my heart im terrified. The pressure of a band major being judged and scrutinized about your present performance as a band major is truly mind blowing. What if im not performing as expected of them? What if im gonna get those horrible lectures from them about how to run the band or something like that? What am i gonna do? Who shall i seek to when i needed help? Questions… that needs answering when the time comes.
O levels oral…. its the worst ive gone through throughout my education life. The reading passage, which was part of the component in the oral test itself, was quite easy and managed to read fluently. The conversation was a heart stopping period that i had never gone through in my life. That question was unlike you can ever think of, a question that only a teacher would ask to a primary school kid. Of all the questions that we are being trained to deal with, mostly with current events around the world, this particular question however was a shocking one. The question was : What is your ambition? I was dumbstruck! Me struggling im my malay language, and with a minute range of vocabulary, left me speechless when the examiner from another school, asked me that question.”What is your ambition?”. I didnt know what to say. Of coarse i have ambitions of my future, but i just dunno how to translate it in Malay!! My ambition, is to be scientist who works in a lab, having gone through a biotechnology course from a life science stream and hopefully study in other countries and to a university. How is that im malay. How the hell am i gonna translate the word lab in malay, and you cant use english terms in a second language oral, youll lose marks for it. I basically flunked my conversation. Goodbye to my hopes of scoring a B4 in Malay.
Im undergoing a serious amount of stress, pressure and mixed emotions and i feel that its amounting inside of me. I just dunno how to let it all lose. I cant let out to my friends, itll be wicked of me. I just have no one to confide with, to shout with or to talk with about my problems and consult my problems and how to deal with it. All i did was to keep quiet about my problems, but at the same time, im advising some of friends on thier problems! Im a giver and hello! im human too! i need someone to solve my problems too! I just cant find anyone. teachers? no, too shy, parents? no way? Friends? Who?
Sometimes, i always thought of a perfect friend, who might one day come across my life. I imagined him as a few years older than me, more like a brother than a friend, but who is older and is able to deal with my problems at the same time, not being too much of a consultant but also a friend, fun to be with and a person who i can let go of my steam once in while. Im a single child. For so long, ive been dealing these problems on my own. But it has taken a toll on me and possibly my health. Too much stress is no good. I just hoped that i could find a mentor so that my problems can be confided with confidently. You could say having a walking journal beside you, whom you could add in details about your life every now and then and have a listening ear as well.
About my health, im feeling healthy, im eating right and exercising right. Its just that these past month, ive been having freqeunt heart pains every now and then. Pain is a stingin pain, like someone crushing my heart with his hand. I couldnt breathe for a couple of seconds because if i do and expand my lungs, my heart will feel more pain. I dunno whats causing it. I just hope that it goes away.
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